Arbdella Hudson
Ardella Hudson woke up one day, and she was a different person. She had no idea why, what, when, where. Somehow she had to find herself and sort through this new life. She was a person she never grew up with, but had to learn to live with. This is part of what hidden disability is about. She must work hard every day not to lose herself again. Nowadays Ardella is a fierce advocate for disabled people and an author; she serves on several boards, and as a community liason, working with organizations such as Cow Tipping Press, Courage Kenny, and the MN Council on Developmental Disabilities.
Interview Transcription:
SPEAKERS
Molly Joyce, Arbdella Hudson
Molly Joyce 01:02
The first question is, what is resilience for you?
Arbdella Hudson 02:23
Resilience for me is comeback. I've taken disabilities, turning them into abilities, with resources and assess abilities. I've been told, and I believe and I strive hard every day within my reach, to acquire and stick to apprehend what resilience that I do have because at my age. I'm, where I'm at what's going on, I have a fear of losing that and once that's gone, that's the part that I've seen many people lack for whatever reason, or whatever has happened or, or whatever is like expressing my age, soon to be 65 years old. And I've been disabled. Like I said, I fell on my head coming out, I had some childhood traumas, um, and as an adult, you know, the traumatic things that has happened, perpetuated. And so I've had a lot of help. For a number of years, we're talking, you know, like since the 80s and phys you know, hit therapy and and just working with people, you know, and and really given it all I got, I think the past 10 years or better, you know, I made a decision that I'm going to give it you know, everything I got expressly after having gone to school, and and you know, and then tragedy and, and It's like, I'm ready to be who I was born to be, and a mist of disabilities and connecting with program, you know, like, cow tipping, which is spirit hidden in the intellectual aspect of disability and tapping into that form of human communication. And understanding and myself being a part of that I've been able to grow and help others grow, as well. And so, you know, I took on the, you know, with the aids, I have they not experts, but they growing with me, and they are understanding and they are doing things and, and, you know, it's just, it is, is just the great thing that takes me out of, you know, what's wrong, and what I can't do. And I can try to do harder than I would, and with the resilience that I have, you know, it gives me strength and courage. And I found out that writing was my best vehicle was the vehicle that I love and enjoy the most and, you know, wanted to do some storytelling, some, and it's like, the more I tap into the creativity that just been landed, and everybody has it. And, you know, we're just connected, and I help others connect, therefore, it's not a disability, it's a challenge. Because disability speaks to, "oh, I'm broken, and I'm coming to you for you to fix me." And working together, you know, that creates an atmosphere or mindset, you know, that's different from, okay, you went to school for this, and I'm going to do and I'm going to give it what I got to. And so with that attitude, and I've taken that on, I'll say 10 years is this work and, you know, I, I have a, I have a couple of PCAs. And, you know, I receive services, and I use those services to the fullness of my ability. I try to advocate for others and myself. I work with my providers we talk they understand me and what, that's what it is. Right now I see a psychiatrist, a psychologist, orthopedic surgeon, neurologist, I mean, the list goes on and given all I got to that and listening, you know, and try and, you know, and, and they secretly performing neural psych tests on me and me being aware of it and, and, you know, telling they asked us about it, you know, they, you know, um, you know, and sometimes, you know, I got had stuff, but I'm able to learn how to live alone and get on in the community. I've been in a nursing home, I know what it's like to be between those two poles. I don't remember it all, but they remember and they work in with me in and it's this is this wonderful coming back, I'm a different person. Um, my bio changed a couple of times, and I was just being honest, and I can be who I really am. But if I'm around people that don't have any idea what I experience and know, you know, the challenges, I like to call them challenges instead of disabilities. You know, they're not sensitive to you know, who I really am and it just, it creates a thing because people think you're someone you're not, and they you're being someone you're not. It's like having a bunch of different friends and you a certain way with these in a certain way with that. We're just learning how to feel my brain again. You know, you know I can I can show you some pictures. And they really I have a I have a scar from here to here. You know from the brain surgery I am and I'm on multiple medications, which we are now working on, you know, getting off some of them, you know, it's really out of hand from every doctor you appeal. And you know, it's multiple stuff is, is it's a daily journal, so I have a and it turned from them doing everything for me to us doing it together and I'm being reminded, I forget what you see my services Yeah, no, it's bad. And that's, that's the truth and the medical bills to show.
Molly Joyce 11:00
Thank you so much for sharing.
Arbdella Hudson 11:04
This has kept me you know, sticking with it. Sticking with it, you know, sometimes I'm so depressed until, you know, I don't feel like killing myself, but I don't want to face the where I'm tired. I people don't stand me and, you know, so it it. You know, it disengages me from that mass set. And I'm able to learn with others this learning to that has similar some whatever, what they call disability, but I put a man set and I replaced the word disability with challenge and I encourage you others and it helped me grow.
Molly Joyce 11:54
The next question is, what is isolation for you?
Arbdella Hudson 12:04
I'm dealing with that right now. And it's been an issue with myself and my age for a number years, and it has caused a wedge in my life. You know, I've accumulated material things and I've pushed people out, you know, the aids, they calm, they do what I tell them to do, you know, and then they die. And so it was like that for a long time until we started doing things together. And I say the question isolation, I had practiced that for so long. And today today, right here and now. You know, I just been drugged out and go naked, before the world. And I'm speaking in a metaphor of a transition is going on in my life right now that that's forced to go on. And as I go through everything you got, and you must get rid of, you know, whatever. And, and that has needed to been done like 15 years ago, I was afraid. And it was just And so right now, that's what I'm in the middle of, and in the event that I don't face it now, I may not have a place to live and I've met people that you know that it's happened and they wouldn't in the place on me and now or, or even at the help that I have, I have a lot of help, like 24 hour help. And it's like to be in this condition. And haven't had that not all, you know, not real long, but for a little while to realize that you know, and they know, I don't know, they tell me I got dementia I'm hard to get you know, is what people say. And so to not feed in or be me, you know, and I just been pushing people away and out. And since I got with, you know, my cow tipping community several years, you know, and so it's been a little bit but now it's like a medical cross fro where I'm dealing with that and all of this is resulting from isolation resulting from Not letting people in, resulting from being alone, resulting from stay in. And I was like that, but once I started to step out, and just started to flow with who I really am, and tell the truth and let it be known, you know about what's going on and work with my doctors and understand what's wrong and understand what, you know, what's being done here. And I have worked with, and I've been with courage, Kenny, but there's an I start doing some stuff with a liner, and it's just rehabilitation, rehabilitation of first time and about 40 years have been that I put with power tip and then a community and people and loving myself with all this quality life, you know, "Oh, now I'm older now." And it's like lunch variation of the dreaming. To be honest, like, I don't feel, you know, that my life was, you know, wasn't dealt with, you know, I had a lot of trauma, a lot of things happen, a lot of rehabilitation. And so now today, I want to live, you know, I want to live in isolation and the way I'm learning now, and I'm learning personally, whereas that part was hit out, and people just see me. And then when COVID hit oh, man, just, you know, just loved it. I didn't have to go out, you know, I didn't have to talk to people. I didn't have to go to group. And I did. And then I didn't have any knowledge of zoom, and boom, you know, my iPhone, and it was trouble. And I was getting held before, you know, I had started going to my church, and a gentleman now was teaching the mothers, the older people at the church, you know, how to, you know, work, the smartphone, and, you know, everything all of that just went away, and the computer and for me, on this executive area, my brain is the part that, you know, I'm challenged so I can learn I know stuff, but it just has to be a different way. And I'm learning that way through Courage Kenny, and with Courage Kenny, and I've been with them for a good better than 20 years. And so what you see is come from a lot of hard work with providers and myself. Okay. Yeah, sometimes people think "Hey, nothing wrong." But as long as I stay in challenge environment, you know, I can be free, but in the world and we're regular people, you know, you know, I just get judged and misrepresented. And it leads to me getting dogged out, you know, because people think I'm taking something that's the farthest thing I had to learn how to think and I'm still working on that daily.
Molly Joyce 18:52
Definitely, thank you. Then the next question is kind of the opposite of that, what is connection for you?
Arbdella Hudson 19:03
Connection for me is being able to to be aware of what's going on, so if you don't know how or you don't know or you isolated or is just about you know, if you haven't did any work you would know how to connect or what to connect with. And if you all about your own self, which most a lot of a lot of people are but I won't say all people because I'm not and there's people in my life that are not connection is the ability to, but you got to have the ability if you've been banged in the head with a hammer or a shine to hear with a gun and learn how to find your way again and you're not ready yet connection have be be ready to do what you need to do to understand and establish and recognize this if you want to do some because that was just some pills and just doing what the doctors say and just getting better for many years you know, but the thinking part and then the other piece to connection is is there a connection there to reach out to you or is there a connection there for you seeking you out. So, it can be vice versa. But if you struggling to live connection is the slightest thing in your mind you connected the Hatton to remain living independently you connected to try to have stability you know that if you get a lot of help and the right type of help you know and see for many years people done this for me this was done for me when I was unable to but as I grew and working and the therapies occupational therapy all the therapies I even had community therapy for a go into community I was in the hospital almost a year I you know miracle and and I just want to live what I got and if it wasn't for connection I wouldn't be here but it came a time when you know grew to thick and the connection I walked away from it and just kind of connected with myself in my apartment. And I was hurt and angry and you know I have psychotherapy and I take a lot of medicine and people say I'm crazy you know I'm different in learning net accepting that and working with people that would school for this helps me and as long as I have a mask for connection, connection work and right now I do know I don't want to be all up in the house and just not doing that and then a lot of people.
Molly Joyce 23:28
And then the last question is what is darkness for you?
Arbdella Hudson 23:46
Darkness is is a place that we all have one. We all have one and if we think we don't or we don't recognize that we can land there unexpectedly and trapped. Darkness is not honoring and recognizing and dealing with pain her not accepting what's really in front of you, because it can lead to a man said that put me in darkness now. I don't know what you've been through and nobody knows anybody's place. And a lot of people don't even know they own darkness to sum it all up is for me is spiritual death. Spiritual death. And as seen people struggle with it. To make a long story short. I was born spiritual and I'm a spirit being but I was brought up and trained and taught religion darknesses, loss, empty. Loss, emptiness, hopelessness. Um destruction is is all of those things summed up and live in living? They get on you. And it's how you live that determines if you don't get taken over by Does that make sense?